There was a time where I was planning to write a book based on our love story. I wonder if I had gone through all the old letters then if I would have picked up on this now obvious fact. You were an asshole to begin with!

I mean, I’m gonna try to forgive myself for not seeing it. I was 14 when we fell in love. I ignored and explained away a lot.

Like in this note I just found from you. You wrote it in 1993. You wrote:

“I don’t have to tell you again how this upset me. You should know me by now: I’m the guy who wants to commit suicide because you saw me hiding behind the bush …. Please re-learn all those things that hurt me … No, Don’t learn it. Just memorize the category of things that make me this way … When you think about it, it’s easy to see.

Even now I find myself thinking “maybe that wasn’t so bad.”

But when you read the note you’ll see that what you were so mad about was that I tried to figure out all the hidden ambigrams in a love letter you sent me.

You were an asshole to begin with.

You’d think that would make me not miss you.

2 responses to “Asshole”

  1. Wow. My dear friend. I’m right here beside you.

    It sucks to lose these past stories sometimes…. Having them altered by what we know now.

    I keep thinking “and yet all that time, her own heart was so very full of love.” It’s one of my favorite things about you.


  2. OMG! I think the fact that you loved him and the family you two made together speaks to your character. The fact he was/is an asshole speaks to his…
    I still have a few (2? 3?) letters. The last time I read one you could hear me shouting at the page, at the lies I didn’t see then and do now. Darn it.


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