There was a song
that came on
every time I was halfway home from visiting my
dying friend
in the summer of 2020

I was already crying but then The chicks
Sang
calm down
you know he’s about to leave
but don’t panic
And I would sob as I pulled up to the stop sign
turning left
on a street I had lived on until I was 8

I didn’t know what I was crying about

I got home, told my husband about my visit
to my friend
tried to explain
how it felt to have your friend dying

She didn’t want to see me at first, you see
and I kept trying
and then I was allowed in
and we wore masks
and on my way home I’d sob

That summer I sat on my porch
told a friend that this Chicks album, Gaslighter was like my life
but more intense. It was about an affair
That wasn’t going on in my world
But
The feelings were my life
I didn’t understand

This year I sat in a new therapist’s office
trying to succinctly tell her the story of the affair, the betrayal, the emotional abuse, the divorce

After I finished she looked at me and said,
“Do you like country music”
I said, “Sometimes.”
She told me I should listen to The Chicks, Gaslighter.
”It’s basically your story.” She told me.

The Chicks didn’t write their album for me
But the universe certainly used it to try to get my attention

I was
not
paying attention

calm down
you know he’s about to leave
but don’t panic

I still cry when the song comes on
It happened tonight
But I’m still not sure what I’m sobbing about

Also, I’m still not sure —
what to pay attention to
what is the universe saying
right now?