Damnit

I had to drive by the back of the mall today on my way to get my new driver’s license.

The back of the mall is where I told Heather I knew about what she had been doing with my husband. It’s where I told her to tell her husband to lay off the threats to my husband. It’s where I felt strong and good until I found out my husband was still calling her, still telling her he couldn’t live without her.

‘Damnit.” I sighed.

I’m. So. Tired.
of triggers
memories
sudden pictures in my mind.

I wondered if I should make a list of things I can’t pass without thinking about the affair. I mean, these are probably where the stories are, right?

the mall
the fence
wiscoy
dunkin
the mugs at TJ Maxx
wegmans
my backyard
instagram
celery
black vans
holmes-foster park
my childhood dance studio
the local elementary school
tudek park

the movie theatre
any local theatres

a bottle of josh wine
my ice-maker
my couch
my basement
the list goes on. . .

I believe that what you focus on grows, and I don’t want to focus on this pain. I want to be able to walk around my town, my neighborhood, my house and just live my life with gratitude and joy. So I wonder about making this list, and focusing on it.

But, my therapist says that our brains circle thoughts over and over again, trying to process them. She says that writing them down can help get them out of your mind. So I wonder, what could happen if I didn’t make this list, tell these stories?

For now, I will keep writing.
Thanks for reading.

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